Its a Year folks..

I've been wanting to get this off my chest for quite a while now. So its just going to be a flow of thoughts and emotions. Maybe connected. May not make any sense at one go. This is more of a tribute and thanksgiving post.

I list the year 2008 as one of the darkest times in my life. For obvious reasons. Losing loved ones isn't something that goes down easily. But that's what life is about. Swallowing the bitter pill. People say it makes you tough. Beats me. I don't see myself tougher. I see myself only more detached and devoid of emotions. To be truthful, sometimes i see myself weak and distraught. I don't want to sound morose and depressed. My intentions are not to make you feel awkward while reading this. I'm just venting out what has been accumulated for a year now.

Come May the 20Th and it will be a year. Losing my mother to cancer. It was the biggest shock. Running up and down, to the hospital and back home. Consulting doctors who gave us very little or no hope. The best i heard was she had a year left in her. A year of suffering and torture if she were alive. In that sense, I'm glad she did not have to endure chemotherapy or any other harmful treatments. She breathed her last alongside all her family members.

It was the most gruesome sight. To stand there and watch helplessly, someone you cherish, slip away from your grasp. That was the moment i lost my faith in god. I'm not saying I'm an atheist. I'm an agnostic. One who says you cannot prove the absence or presence of a supernatural power. Maybe he is there, maybe he isn't. It doesn't matter to me. Its when I unconsciously changed the way i looked at things.

To put in perspective of how i felt how i felt the first couple of months. Imagine a deaf man in a dark room. He would never understand what was happening around him. Only he can keep his own spirits up. And that's what i tried doing. Everything i had to do seemed futile. Just another excuse to keep the mind occupied. To keep the defenses from collapsing and giving in to the dangerous ignorance that lurked in the dungeons of my mind. Sometimes unknowingly the dungeon doors would open and my attitude would be affected. Somehow I would gather the strength to overcome this dark force.

The strength came from outside. Yes. At least the inner strength was brought back to life by people. People like you. Reading this. Who had some space in their hearts for me. You helped in your own way, for me to learn life's lessons. You helped by being who yourself. Being there or not. Talking it out or not. Whatever it was. I learnt, I grew, I changed. I thank you, for aiding me to be what I am today. Thank you my friends and relatives.

Dedicated to the people who've been wanting to know what's within me. For those who wanted me to let things out. I know its a burden I've been carrying and I'm letting it off now. I don't know if everything i had to say is here. But, feeling much better now. Thanks a lot all of you.